Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
