..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
