I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
