Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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