Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
