My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
