to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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