you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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