Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
