Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
