hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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