Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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