Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
