in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
