You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
