I wish I could teleport
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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