never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
