i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
