Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize