you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
this will be a night to untag.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
