her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
