I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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