Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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