I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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