The best revenge is premature balding
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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