3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
