I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Randomize
