I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize