I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
