Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You may now shotgun with the bride
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
