Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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