Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
