all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
