Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
