Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
