Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
