I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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