he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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