checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
