It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
