Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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