Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
