I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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