My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
