You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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