Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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