i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
