i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
