I have demons in me.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize