question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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