Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just gift wrapped bread.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
