Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
