my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
