There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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