I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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