why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
