I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
