Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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