I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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