When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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