I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
