im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Operation Purity has been aborted
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
