so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
home. puking in laundry basket.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
